I have depression, and have in some form since childhood. Its like wading my way through cold liquid tar. Most of the time its about ankle deep, but sometimes it gets up over the knees – and wading through the cold black sticky stuff is hard work.
Depression taints everything in your life, taking the shine and colours away, making everything less joyous. I can still have moments of happiness, laughter and joy, but the difficulty in getting to those places makes it so much harder to achieve them. It also makes them that much more precious.
For the last year or so I have been feeling …… flat…. is the best way to describe it. Additionally another symptom that has been kicking my ass is anxiety – that is what has really messing with my general mental wellbeing. Anxiety affects my ability to sleep, instead lying awake at 3am with the hamsters in your brain running flat out on their treadmills – spinning all sorts of possible problems, scenarios and outcomes. This generates more stress, being aware of and awake for hours with the need to eventually function for work, plus the additional adrenal overload on my system in trying to react to, and process all these made up scenarios (which invariably are never as bad as imagined!)
But I can’t turn it off and having tried medication before and been singularly unimpressed with the response, am not willing to turn to a medical establishment whose default setting appears to be “prescribe and damn the side effects”.
I’m depressed, tired, strung out, wrung out and struggling to cope some days. I am not suicidal or self harming or any danger to myself or others. This is not a cry for help but an explanation and an opportunity for discussion. Mental health is an issue that affects many people but is stigmatised and not discussed openly. So in the spirit of The Bloggess – I share my story, maybe you will tell me to harden up, maybe you will quietly nod and understand.
Being tired and stressed tends to affect my ability to filter and be less *me* – a friend describes it from his POV as “the shielding around the reactor core fails and leakage may be experienced”. To avoid radiation burns for those I care about, that often means staying at home, hibernating or hermiting – listening to music a lot.
So I isolate myself from people, and feel guilty about that, and then stress about the guilt and……..
Jenny aka The Bloggess says emphatically Depression Lies – but when everything in your life is covered in black sticky yuck, its hard to see the truth in that.
So here we have a brain, clogged up with black sticky sludge, making everything difficult and sucking the joy out of life. How does that impact on creativity?
Stress makes me lose my mojo quite seriously – after the earthquakes that damaged Christchurch I didn’t pick up my camera for a couple of years really and even then I had to force myself.
Since my trip to Melbourne I haven’t touched my camera, nor edited more than a handful of images. In fact my Tasmania trip from 3 years ago still has half the images yet to be edited. Its another thing that nags at me, makes me feel guilty and stressed about not having done what I should have *sigh* sound familiar?
Doing Awake has taught me a lot more about my creative drive and how that manifests, and one of the good things is learning that it is OK to give myself space and time to fully evolve a concept. If ideas are being generated and journalled to come back to, then even though nothing may be actively created, the brain is still engaged and thinking.
Those ideas can be stored away for when I am in the right headspace to create with them. Giving myself time has actually meant the final outcome was often better than my original idea, so there is added benefit. Plus its easier to be kinder to myself and not add to the guilt and stress loading. I give myself permission to do exactly what I can, when I can and how I can, and be OK with that.
Managing your mental health is about making compromises. This may mean never becoming the award winning artist I want to, but right now, that is the choice that needs to be made.
What interests me about how my mental health impacts my creativity is the direction it takes. There is a darkness inside everyone, whether they are willing to admit it. Maybe mine lives a bit closer to the surface than other peoples, or maybe my brain is just wired that way.
Right now its damn near impossible for me to create anything light, fluffy, pretty etc. But my brain is overflowing with dark twisted ideas relating to the things its feeling right now – ways to express pain, anger, frustration, loneliness. Being able to tap into the horrible yuck and create art, whatever it looks like……that helps keep me sane in a way I never realised it could.
Therefore I’m embracing all that darkness, holding it close and singing it bittersweet songs of despair and unhappiness, because dark twisted flowers are blooming in that landscape, and right now that pleases me greatly. Seriously, how fucked up is that 🙂
Instead of having to deal with all the unpleasantness that depression and anxiety usually bring, and being left in a barren landscape with little hope of relief, knowing you just had to endure. Now I can harness all the angry darkness, and create something….. not necessarily beautiful…. but compelling and evocative.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stranger 🙂
What doesn’t kill you gives you unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humour!
I won’t lie, this is pretty tough to deal with long term. Maybe trying to do it unmedicated is making it harder than it has to be. Maybe the wear and tear on my friends will be more than they are prepared to handle. Maybe it doesn’t get better and this is my new normal.
If you read this far, then thankyou. If you have any thoughts or insights or your own story to share, I would love to hear from you. If you would prefer to email me privately, thats OK.
A recent event has made me conscious that life is precious and we need to make the most of it – so be kind to yourself *HUGS*
I just wanted to say that I think it is good of you to write this post. I think the more people are open about their struggles the better for all of us. All the best to you.
Also, I shared it in my Twitter feed. Thanks!
I appreciate you commenting and sharing the post – yes if more people felt safe to share, it would be easier for everyone.
I just think the more we can understand each other, the better.
What an eloquent insight into your mental health problems , movingly written -thank you for sharing .
Thankyou for reading and taking the time to leave such a lovely comment 🙂
Secretly, I have had this problem for most of my life. The ‘black dog’ as Winston Churchill called it, comes over like a dark cloud and lingers for long enough. I don’t know what triggers it and I don’t know what makes it go away. Usually it lasts for a couple of days (and so I guess I’m lucky). When it happens I adopt my own remedy and I call it ‘plodding along’. I know that it will pass and so I have to force myself to ‘plod’. Oddly, photography does help to keep my mind ticking over and away from the dark side. I think everyone has ups and down but I recognise your description very well……..wading through dark molasses. I have never talked about this to anyone. My little secret!
Thankyou for sharing, I am pleased you felt you could. Yes I recognise plod mode too 🙂
I agree with The Photonomad – my life is very much like that. Don’t know what triggers it or what releases me from it. In my plodding along I get very quiet. I have to wonder where on the ADHD scale I am because I don’t like to talk to people (typing is different) and I am most definitely a hermit. Lucky for me, so is my husband. Usually in this funk I don’t want to create but I do other things, like look for creative materials, go for walks. I learned as a child that friends are not always friends and adults don’t have time to listen. All of what has gone into getting us where we are today as a human, is always there to disrupt our lives. There are other things too – lack of daylight, cold, changes in weather and our relationships with those events. I do not have much faith in a medical system that pushes drugs. In fact the best help I have found is homeopathic remedies & that’s all I took when I fell & hit my head on the ice in February. Later I did go to a chiropractor. Homeopathic works with the body in small doses and doesn’t have any side effects, no hangovers from pain pills and no hyperactivity from them either. I learned this on my own – there are many books out there. I’m still seeking a homeopathic doctor. Art is an important way of bringing feelings to the surface so we can examine and learn from them. I have always said that I create art for me, to learn something about myself. To do that I examine the colors, shapes, symbols, flowers, all of it to discover meaning and sometimes I am very surprised. If I can find “Soul Painting” which is a short book (project for a class) I’ll send it to you. I’m beginning to think it is on the computer drive that crashed. Be who you are when you are and tie the guilt to a balloon & let it go.
Hi Linda and nice to hear from you. As someone with a science background I have some issues with homeopathy. I do like to use essential oils though, scent and fragrance are intrinsically tied to memories for me and I need to remember to use them more often. Good luck with your hard drive issues!
The constant drive for positivity and creation in Awake I find sometimes quite draining and counter productive – I dont think Sebastian has ever had issues with his mental health and doesnt always understand the impact. Thats OK, I take from him what works and let the rest wash over me.
In relation to your comment about not liking to talk to people and hermiting – are you aware of the Myers Briggs personality assessment? It assesses your personality type with a certain amount of accuracy on quite a range of things and I am an INTJ – you sound like you might be too – you can do a free short online test here if you are interested https://www.16personalities.com/ – they give quite extensive explanations which might resonate with you 🙂
I’ve stepped back from Awake a bit myself. It’s not the relentless positivity, but the expectation that I should want to rearrange my life to do photo art, which makes me feel that I’m in the wrong place – I *have* been working harder to carve out more time for creativity, but as this happens, I am doing *less* art, and more writing/programming.
My (very brief) experience with medication was that it *did* cut through the hamster wheel and showed my thoughts pathways there were not frantically going round in circles; I came off very quickly because of side-effects, but it had been worth trying just for the experience of ‘it doesn’t have to be like this’.
As for the ‘creating dark art’, well, whatever works for you. It wouldn’t work for me; but I think that more important than the subject is that you’re doing something that proves your competence. I may not like all of your pictures aesthetically, but I admire their execution.
Yes I learned early in Awake to take away from it what works for me and let the rest of it go. Its a shame you have moved away from it as there is a lot of value to be had from the training – you could always skip the Sebastian bits LOL.
I’ve been doing more with mixed media myself which I am really enjoying, and so long as I have some form of creative outlet, Im happy.
You make a good point about the meds and the hamster wheel effect (nice to know Im not the only one that metaphor relates to!). Sadly that wasnt my experience of meds, I actually felt worse on them – even more depressed!
I know my ‘dark art’ isnt everyones cup of tea, nor would I demand that would be. Part of why I do it is to challenge myself and challenge other peoples perceptions, so “liking it” is a pretty subjective concept there. The fact you can appreciate the work I put into is is appreciation enough 🙂
Thanks for sharing this. I think all of us go through something like this, some more intensely than others, but all of us are not ready to admit it or share it with others for various reasons. I encourage you in your journey and all the “plodding” techniques you have acquired. I am sharing a couple of poems with you that have a kind of spiritual leaning, so I hope they do not offend you if you don’t lean in that direction. They reflect a little of some of the paths that I sometimes have walked down.
They need to be read in tandem, as the first one defines the problem and the second one offers the “solution.”
The emptiness of life,
The vanity of existence
Presses heavily upon the heart
As the cruel, cold winds of change
Scrape the scarred surface of our lives.
Everything and everyone
Is swept away like dead leaves blowing in the ditch.
The tedious brown of a hesitant Spring
Sucks the life out of us
And the clammy cold fingers of despair
Clamp harshly around our heads like cruel claws
Inflicting pain and releasing life-blood
From our aching bodies.
People we thought we knew,
Those we called friends,
Brothers and sisters,
Just disappear as if they never existed.
Death, destiny, destinations unknown
Each claim their own,
Unfeelingly snatching them from our memory
And our lives.
Soon it will be as if they never were part of our lives.
Friendship, fellowship, conversation, laughter no more.
We were strangers then
And now we are nothing.
Neither of us exist in the memory of the other.
We have all become melancholy wraiths;
Mere smoke and mist instead of substance and joy.
I will no longer remember, love, care for you,
As you too push me from your memory.
The zen of the now
Has been replaced by the hollow ache of the future.
Dreams, fantasies, promises and hope
Have been sliced so thinly
They no longer have any substance to them.
The wind blows and bends our fragile lives
Back and forth,
Until we break and shatter into nothingness.
Shards of life scatter like broken glass
On a rocky shore, and the tides of time
Take us out to sea,
Crash us into the rocks and dull our sharpness
Into smooth sea glass,
Carelessly thrown upon the beach of time
Until a little child comes and finds us lying there,
Picks us up and imprisons us for eternity
In the jar of her collection.
White Horse Rider
With white robes flowing behind Him like billowing clouds
The rider sweeps along the misty beach
As thundering hooves splash joyfully
In the foam of the rolling waves.
He dismounts and looks quizzically at the closed jar
Partially buried in the smooth white sand.
As He reaches down to pick it up
The sun glistens off the waves and tiny rainbows of colour
Sparkle and dance in its light.
He opens the jar and retrieves the smooth blue shore glass
Nestled in amongst the shells and polished stones.
Now I am free from what I perceived as my eternal prison.
He nestles the stone comfortably in the palm of His carpenter-calloused hand
And turns it over and over, appreciating its glinting brilliance
And silky texture.
He holds it up to the brilliance of the Son
And His light shines clearly through
Forming a light blue spot on the foamy beach.
No longer am I imprisoned in that cruel, closed jar
But now I breathe the salty air with great gulps of delight
And absorb the warmth of His gentle rays of gold.
He pockets me and I snuggle close to His warmth.
I have been meaning to do some photo art to illustrate these poems, but have not got there yet. One day I will.
Blessings to you.
Hi Ron, I am not really a spiritual person, but I resonated with the line in the first poem about how our dreams and hopes have been sliced to thinly. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Depression runs yes runs in my family. I believe it’s a genetic disease. My mother was severely-crippled- by depression. I have had mild bouts with it. My 3 daughters suffer too. All have been off and on meds. They try to thrive. Some days are better than others. When will there be more done about such a devastating illness. Thank you for creating platform for this misunderstood illness.
Hi Isadora, yes I had a grandmother that had some issues with mental frailty, so it likely runs in the family too. I am not sure why speaking about how our brain chemistry is not in correct alignment appears something to be ashamed of. It is what it is, and coping in silence makes it even more difficult. Thanks for commenting 🙂
Thank you for having the courage to speak honestly about your mental health challenges. I am wondering whether it would help you to find images that express your state of mind, specific feelings – no matter what those feelings are? You incorporated some pretty striking images into your post. I went for a drive today and saw some fallen trees; not pretty to look at but the word that popped into my mind was “broken.” By listening in and honoring even our darker emotions, we can still create art and, perhaps, move thru those very emotions and come out in a different place?
Oh I have plans to create a series of images that are quite dark fetish themed ones, as soon as the last of my props is organised, I will be getting started on it. Great idea tho 🙂
I can’t comment from my own experiences but I will say that I am so impressed with the work you produce and the way in which you share it and your mental health journey. I say use what you can, when you can. And keep being you ❤️
Thankyou, I appreciate you saying that.
I can feel where you’re coming from, I too suffer from depression and anxiety. The last 7-8 years including today as I write this havr beco mr a nightmare that doesn’t end,
I hope you some management and coping mechanisms in place, or someone to talk to. Its not fun to try and do it alone.
Sure do I smoke fucking a bowl an 10 min. later all that gone, I get out a lot more, it’s stops my mind from wondering into that dark space.
I’m not a pill popper, and I just don’t feel like they work during the daytime..
I liked this post a lot! I especially love the photos you added, they are beautiful!! I linked to this article on my recent post, hope that’s okay 🙂
This is so raw and brave. Your photos you chose are so fitting, and really moved me. When we give ourselves permission to compromise and work with the emotional challenges we have (while managing them), it’s amazing what our body and mind will allow to happen. Some of the most creative people (musically and artistically) struggle with mental health concerns, and really were able to channel that. It’s all about how you use it. beautiful post ❤
Thanks tho the fact that it’s considered brave is sad to me. We should be able to talk openly without shame or stigma about our mental health, like we do about our physical health
I think it takes bravery to open up about anything intimate, no mention to shame or stigma at all. Great post, thanks for sharing
True it does, although the response has been quite positive which is nice 🙂
Thank you for sharing! Great Post!
The darkness holds so much beauty in itself. The colors are very different, but nevertheless breathtaking. But then again, that can all just take form if we are not blinded and immobile, crippled by this disease. I have experienced the same thing, the unfinished editing, the dusty gear which used to be my magic, stumbling over it each day as it lays in the middle of my writing room. A reminder of what could be, but NO, I can’t, I’ll fail, I won’t be able to deliver. So I don’t. So I stay hidden. Welcoming the dust on myself as well. For a while at least. Don’t give up! The magic is still there. Your work is beautiful!
“The darkness holds so much beauty in itself. The colors are very different, but nevertheless breathtaking”
I love how you worded this – its EXACTLY how I feel but most people shy away from it rather than embracing it. If I am in this place and this is my viewpoint, then Im going to embrace it for all I am worth. I almost have all the pieces in play to start doing my next project and it will be very dark so stick around 🙂
Thanks for saying hi!
Wow! This post was so close to my own struggles with depression. I think the best thing to do is to always have an outlet for it. At least when you have some kind of outlet your “doing something” about it. Which is what people have always expected of me when I go into my bouts. Being a little older now I have had more time to work through my underlying reasons with why I go through those bouts. They used to last a lot longer but as I have grown older its become much easier. Im only 31 but I feel I have lived lifetimes in my life. Depression is so overwhelmingly exhausting and its hard to really explain to those who haven’t experienced it themselves. Please come by and read my latest post where I talk about Shen as it is something I really believe in after I started studying alternative medicine and health. Thanks and I hope your tomorrow is a little bit better than it was today.
Thankyou for your post, yes I agree having an outlet to express it has really helped me cope and manage it a bit better. Am working on a new project which will be quite dark and I am quite excited about it. Since I wrote the post, I think putting the words down on paper (so to speak) has really helped, and things have been a lot better. Still some bad days, but generally Im feeling more positive.
Hello, May I make a few suggestions to assist with your mental stability is to meditate. On most phone app/computers apps , you can find the most soothing music or mantras to follow too in order to unwind and relax. Have you ever heard of Mandalas? I suggest you look that one up too. Adult coloring can be one of the best forms of relaxation. Please check out my site for additional coping skills.
I do wish you better mental health. God Bless, Beckie
I’ve tried meditation but it’s not,y thing, tho the breathing is helping me. I meditate via music . Yes I have some colouring books I should dig out too 🌼
I really enjoyed this article, the more people that open up the better it is for the community
Thoroughly enjoyed this post. I’ve been trying to develop my own blog about depression, and how everything is interconnected. I appreciate your raw vulnerability. Dealing with the same stuff, it resonates. I hope to see more of your great work. Keep doing what you’re doing, and fighting the good fight 😉
Thanks, things have improved in some ways and the general outlook is better. Some days are pretty bleak tho
I thini it’s very brave of you that you are sharing it with us. I suffer from anxiety and I’m not feeling ashamed of it anymore. Beautiful post! 💕 I take antidepressants and it helps. If it doesn’t help for you then another thing will help. Just do what works for you. Much love 💜
Great Blog on a very familiar subject 🙂 After becoming ill (mental health – anxiety, depression, prolonged grief) my art changed. There is nothing pretty or “fluffy” about it but it is 100 percent genuine reflection of me and my illness and a story behind it.
In the last mental health week, I took a very risky step and staged an exhibition of the work I created in my darkest moments. The result was eye-opening – people are actually interested in “that kinda thing”. They can relate to it, it can make them feel less alone and even give a hope, as somebody wrote in the comments journal. It was the most reaction provoking exhibition for me so far
If you manage to let yourself “off the hook” in trying to impress others and above all yourself, stop attempting to be the worlds greatest in whatever you do.If You can give yourself permission to be completely “unsellable” – that’s where I think true art starts and most importantly that’s where Healing through arts takes its first steps. The very best wishes xxx
Thanks, did you also read my followup post on the subject?
I really enjoyed this clause, the more people that undefended up the better it is for the biotic community Great mail service, thanks for sharing
Happened upon your blog and love it. As a child & teen trauma survivor, I had depression and battled suicidal thoughts for many years. In fact, my first serious attempt was at age 9, my last was at the age of 17 so I clearly understand what you write – both personally and as a 30 year trauma therapist. I think it is great that you share your message in it’s raw form. In fact, in my autobiographical memoir called “Shattered to Shining”, I talk about the ways that both speaking my true feelings & not speaking my true feelings affected my life. Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your bare, thought-provoking content.
Thanks for your comment, it is sad to me that people do not feel “safe” to share their vulnerabilities and concerns for fear of being seen as weak or broken. When really it is the other way around!
So true; I could not agree more. I think Brene Brown does a great job at clarifying that very topic. Just curious… do you follow Brene at all?
One hermit to another! In all seriousness, depression sucks. You seem very creative though. inspiring!
I haven’t actually created much lately due to lack of spoons and energy and enthusiasm, but Im hoping to get back into it soon. Thanks for saying hi 🙂
Yeah, i run out of spoons fast myself. Your welcome! Thanks for saying hi back! 🙂 I look forward to more.